Wisdom from Steven WrightFollow

All those who believe in psychokinesis — raise my hand.

For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday.”

They say laughter's the best medicine. I think it's cocaine and whiskey.

I've never seen electricity. That's why I don't pay for it.

I bought instant water, but I don't know what to add

I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.

I woke up one morning and discovered that someone had broken into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates. My room mate walk out, and I said "Look, someone broke into the apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates." He looked at me and said "Who are you?"

So, I get home really drunk and put my car key into the lock on my front door.

And the house started up.





So I'm driving my house down the street.....



Guy says, "HEY! Get off the road!!

I says, HEY!







...get out of my driveway.

Edited, Sep 19th 2016 4:22am by Bijou

Well don't forget about the lazy part too. Some of us have a distaste for manual labor.

Everyone who has ever said they loved you was just trying to get something out of you.