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#77 Nov 03 2016 at 12:07 PM Rating: Good
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Regrettably work is busy today and I don't have time to make a proper reply. But I would be remiss to neglect saying that before you act on any suicidal thoughts, you really ought to call a suicide prevention hotline. I understand that psychological counseling is expensive, but there are resources out there. The fact that you're contemplating things to the extent you are is exactly the kind of thing therapists look for in their intake paperwork.

I hope you keep fighting. I hope you keep breathing. I do sincerely hope you keep on keeping on.

And for the record, no; I don't believe that the cure for depression is optimism (I find the idea ridiculous and insulting, frankly). If anything, realism is a better antidote. The reality is that there is both good and bad in life, and we should expect both and be prepared to deal with both. It's better to seek balance than to chase after happiness.
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#78 Nov 06 2016 at 2:14 PM Rating: Good
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I enrolled at Keiser the other day. It worked for my wife when she became a nurse so I figured why not. I'm going for radiology instead. I can't wait 4 years for a degree from UF, and this way I'll be able to start classes as soon as the 21st of this month.

Until then I'm just waiting. Staring into nothingness. I try to kill time at my computer playing games like WoW and Hearthstone, but it feels like eating shit. It's something I'm forcing myself to do because there is nothing else to be done at the moment. I still feel sick in my mind somehow. I still feel like I'm on borrowed time. I can't get over this feeling like I have been abandoned-- not by anyone in particular, but by humanity as a whole. It's like my life and everything in it that was ever worthwhile keeps moving further and further away and I am now watching it disappear beyond the horizon as I stand here at the side of some deserted road, exhausted and bleeding.

I just want to hide somewhere. I can't stop thinking about what an inconvenience I am to my wife, my stepdaughter and my son. I keep thinking about how careful I had been before. I knew back then I would not be able to take another hit. I KNEW what would happen and it is exactly what happened, but I kept listening to people, up to and including Erika, that it was all in my head. --that people weren't so bad, that I was just being overly negative and that I am somehow making things more difficult than they really are yet absolutely refuse to elaborate on what that means or what it is exactly I am doing wrong.

But I know exactly what I am doing wrong. My expectations are simply too high. I am supposed to stay home. Read books. Play games-- things I can do by myself that won't inconvenience anyone else, and that's the bottom line. I must stay out of sight and out of mind, lest I make someone uncomfortable. This is my shitty sack of carrots. This is what is for me.

I keep thinking about that thing everyone says: "Treat people the way you would want to be treated" and what a HUGE LIE that is. I think about when people say to get out of my own head and to help someone else, and I realize that no one wants or needs my help. Everyone wants for attention, just not from me. I am "bad." I scare people. I'm an adult male, which means I could potentially hurt someone with my advantageous size and weight, or god forbid, my *****-- the scariest thing of all. Surely I must be plotting to kidnap them and do horrible things to them where no one can hear them scream. Worse still, I am jobless and without money. I am a scrub. This recent upsurge in Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism correlates directly with the rise in unemployed and underemployed millennial men. How dare we look at other human beings! How bold and impudent he is for trying to make friendly conversation. Surely he is scheming some perverted goal and undressing me with his eyes! What nerve he has to show up in that car without those clothes to stand in the same room as us. Time to go home and blog about how lewd and lascivious he is.

Oh, but how things will change. I have been told rad techs make upwards of $50-60k a year. I'm going to shave and cut my hair in some trendy, nonthreatening metrosexual way-- maybe color the tips. I'll buy a nice car and expensive fitted clothing and become completely integrated into this culture that I hate. I guess now I have to wait and see if that will even make any difference.
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#79 Nov 06 2016 at 6:59 PM Rating: Excellent
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You're married and are bitching that some girl -- who was aware that you're married and thought of you as a friend to play Pokemon Go & M:tG with -- wasn't romantically interested in you. I don't think you get to play the "Millennial Social Justice Women are too mean" card here. You are 95% the stereotype of the "Nice Guy" who thinks some girl owes him a romantic relationship in exchange for friendship and then throws a hissy fit when she declines. I say 95% because usually that guy isn't currently married.

That said, getting your shit together and getting an education can't hurt.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#80 Nov 06 2016 at 10:17 PM Rating: Good
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It can. Getting an education turned me into the man I am today.
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#81 Nov 06 2016 at 10:35 PM Rating: Good
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Yeah but when we consider the number of murders you didn't commit, the phrase "could be worse" comes to mind.

Edited, Nov 6th 2016 11:36pm by Timelordwho
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#82 Nov 07 2016 at 9:18 AM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
You're married and are bitching that some girl -- who was aware that you're married and thought of you as a friend to play Pokemon Go & M:tG with -- wasn't romantically interested in you. I don't think you get to play the "Millennial Social Justice Women are too mean" card here. You are 95% the stereotype of the "Nice Guy" who thinks some girl owes him a romantic relationship in exchange for friendship and then throws a hissy fit when she declines. I say 95% because usually that guy isn't currently married.

That said, getting your shit together and getting an education can't hurt.


I wasn't expecting a romantic relationship.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#84 Nov 07 2016 at 9:23 AM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I wasn't expecting a romantic relationship.
Kuwoobie previously wrote:
She is the first person I have ever actually expressed my romantic interest in before, and even though I was rejected, it was actually kind of relief.

Are we doing the thing again where you keep insisting you never said stuff that you already said?

Ok, fine. Let's just pretend that you weren't looking for any reciprocity. So you, a married man, told another woman that you were romantically interested in her -- and you want it to somehow be at least partially her fault that she got the hell out of there instead of just being Pokemon buddies with that hanging over it. Whatever.

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 9:24am by Jophiel
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#85 Nov 07 2016 at 9:25 AM Rating: Good
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It's not her fault.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#86 Nov 07 2016 at 9:35 AM Rating: Excellent
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Then stop crying about "Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism" and stop hitting on women while you're married and throwing a hissy fit when it doesn't go well.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#87 Nov 07 2016 at 9:43 AM Rating: Good
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I'm on my phone at the moment so I can't say much, but none of that really matters. It isn't about that really. I'm just beginning to realize that I am not acceptable. All that I want in life is illegal or inappropriate in some way or another. I am now realizing that I can't do what is expected of me. Given that, it makes sense that I should be removed in some way. Destroyed. Erased.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#88 Nov 07 2016 at 10:12 AM Rating: Excellent
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The world is full of dudes on the left side of the "socially acceptable" bell curve. You're not special enough that you need to "be erased" -- let's save that for the child molesting terrorists or something -- you just need to put forth the minimal effort to interact with society, be it having a job or talking to a woman without obsessing over her. But that takes work to be rewarding and thinking that the universe views you as some cosmic flaw is rewarding now in its own twisted way.

It's not that you're unacceptable, it's that you're unwilling to be moderately acceptable and want to think that labeling yourself as "unacceptable" makes you relevant in some way. Save that shit for your shopping trips to Hot Topic.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#89 Nov 07 2016 at 11:46 AM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
The world is full of dudes on the left side of the "socially acceptable" bell curve. You're not special enough that you need to "be erased" .


It would be more efficient and humane if we could all be put down-- all of us that are not socially acceptable, not just me. I could have been identified and destroyed at a much earlier age. People do it themselves all the time when they realize they are redundant. I just haven't been able to achieve that. I just need something to break my complacency. I need to be cornered or threatened in some way that could drive some kind of fight or flight response. Not having a gun means there is a 0% chance of escaping on a sudden impulse. I would have to very deliberately retie a ligature, then find some point to tie it from that would not break under my weight. I have read that I would lose consciousness after no more than 13 seconds with only partial suspension, followed by death after about 15 minutes. A long drop would be faster but at a much greater risk of failure.

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It's not that you're unacceptable, it's that you're unwilling to be moderately acceptable


What is the difference?

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...and want to think that labeling yourself as "unacceptable" makes you relevant in some way.


I don't care about being relevant. All I care about is a way out of feeling like this every day. Writing about it here helps some, but it doesn't stop anymore. It doesn't get better or go away. It is some intangible thing and the only way I can really describe it is damage. I feel like I am cracked and broken into millions of pieces that are now so far away from each other that they can't be repaired like it has before. I imagine this must be what it's like to have rabies. I have a constant need to break things but I don't. On the outside I probably look perfectly fine.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#90 Nov 07 2016 at 12:03 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
It would be more efficient and humane if we could all be put down-- all of us that are not socially acceptable, not just me. I could have been identified and destroyed at a much earlier age.

Save it for your young teen sci-fi novel.
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What is the difference?

You want to give yourself a label that you don't actually deserve (and thus avoid any responsibility) because it's easier than putting forth moderate effort. You're lazy. To be fair, maybe you're lazy because you're clinically depressed, I don't know. But if that's the case, it's still on you to get assistance in that regard.
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I don't care about being relevant.

Bullshit. If this was the case, you wouldn't be going on about how your friend doesn't want to talk to you or how your wife wasn't giving you enough attention, etc. You wouldn't be talking about how you should die since you're not relevant -- you just wouldn't care. People want to be relevant; it's the human condition. In the absence of positive relevance, you've decided that making your life into some dramatic black hole is the next best thing.
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I imagine this must be what it's like to have rabies

When you're exposed to rabies, you're supposed to proactively seek medical care rather than laying around saying "Woe is me, the universe must want to erase me!"

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 12:08pm by Jophiel
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#91 Nov 07 2016 at 12:13 PM Rating: Good
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People want to be relevant; it's the human condition.


I guess I just don't know what you mean exactly or why it matters.

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When you're exposed to rabies, you're supposed to proactively seek medical care


If I had rabies, I could do that. I don't know what I have. You talk about effort and laziness as if there is anything that can be done about it.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#92 Nov 07 2016 at 12:41 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I guess I just don't know what you mean exactly or why it matters.

You want to be meaningful in some way. You're lying when you pretend otherwise. If you weren't lying, you wouldn't be complaining about how other people aren't finding you important nor would you have been going on about how awesome it was when your Pokemon Go club was in full swing. Nor would you be posting here about it, to be honest.

Having been shot down on positive relevance with your friend, you're instead going for attention on how your life is a black void of inky despair to either fish for validation or get people to say "Golly, that's terrible." Which is a quick, cheap fix that feeds on people's sense of decency and empathy while furthering deepening your issues as you become dependent on a method of relevance that has a proven success rate of driving healthy people out of your life.
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If I had rabies, I could do that. I don't know what I have

Right. When you're down with some unknown illness, you're totally supposed to say "Dunno what this is... Welp, guess I just die now" Smiley: rolleyes
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You talk about effort and laziness as if there is anything that can be done about it.

Well, yeah. Guess why that is.

You want to validate your feelings and "Oh, I should just die" as though there is a winning rational argument for why that's true. There isn't one beyond "I just don't want to make the effort." Now if you want to own that and admit that you feel should die because you're too lazy to do otherwise then go for it. Acting as though you're helpless against some cosmic tide is just trying to find excuses for being lazy.

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 12:43pm by Jophiel
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#93 Nov 07 2016 at 1:06 PM Rating: Good
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You are injecting a lot of stuff about cosmic tide, the universe, etc. It's a lot more simple than that.

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Nor would you be posting here about it, to be honest.


I write about it here because it is a relief for me. I feel a lot less like clawing my eyes out after writing gbaji-worthy walls of text.

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Right. When you're down with some unknown illness, you're totally supposed to say "Dunno what this is... Welp, guess I just die now"


I don't have an illness. It is not a tangible thing. I can't just go to a doctor and tell them these things and expect them to do something about it. --and yes, I realize there are doctors who specialize in mental health. I don't believe there is anything they can do about it, either, though. They can load me up with drugs but it won't change anything. It won't erase the mistakes I've made.

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You want to validate your feelings and "Oh, I should just die" as though there is a winning rational argument for why that's true.


I'm actually hoping someone say something. In all the years I have posted here things have changed a lot, but I haven't. There is no more barkingturtle here to tell me I should live stream myself "eating a shotgun sandwich." I feel like it would be easier if I had someone's permission or go ahead in some way.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#94 Nov 07 2016 at 2:07 PM Rating: Excellent
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Ok, whatever. Have fun being lazy and whining about it on the internet.
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Belkira wrote:
Wow. Regular ol' Joph fan club in here.
#95 Nov 07 2016 at 2:40 PM Rating: Good
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Jophiel wrote:
Then stop crying about "Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism" and stop hitting on women while you're married and throwing a hissy fit when it doesn't go well.

Tumblr-style SJW brand Feminism exists to be made fun of, not to cry about. Smiley: nod

Edit: Like this, for instance. "Stop mansplaining Star Wars, 8 year old boy!"

Edited, Nov 7th 2016 1:42pm by Poldaran
#96 Nov 07 2016 at 2:40 PM Rating: Excellent
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Your life lacks purpose, you aimlessly blunder through your existence on the margins of society, contributing nothing of value and expecting the same. A grey nothing of existence, lacking skill and ambition, you shamble on. You aren't the first, you aren't the last. There must be some purpose to it? You wander through the wasteland for what seems an eternity, the absence of distraction brings clarity.

Make Chaos your purpose!
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#97 Nov 07 2016 at 2:53 PM Rating: Excellent
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Learn an instrument.

And then learn annoying songs with said instruments.
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#98 Nov 07 2016 at 4:17 PM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Learn an instrument.

And then learn annoying songs with said instruments.


I can play Wonderwall on my guitar.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#99 Nov 07 2016 at 4:32 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I don't have an illness.
Yeah; you do.

Kuwoobie wrote:
It is not a tangible thing.
That's true.

Kuwoobie wrote:
I can't just go to a doctor and tell them these things and expect them to do something about it.
Yeah; you can.

Kuwoobie wrote:
I don't believe there is anything they can do about it, either, though. They can load me up with drugs but it won't change anything.
The drugs don't "make you better". They allow you to get to a place where therapy has a chance to work.

Kuwoobie wrote:
It won't erase the mistakes I've made.
I'm pretty sure I'd trade my past mistakes for yours. You are not the "worst/most damaged/unsalvagable" person in the world and certainly not the any of those things on these boards.

Kuwoobie wrote:
I'm actually hoping someone say something.
/em shouts in Kuwoobie's ear.



I'm no doctor, but here's me reading the last couple of weeks of posts you've made here and reading eerily familiar things therein. Here's my diagnosis and advice.
YOU ARE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED. GO TO THE NEAREST MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY AND PUT YOURSELF ON A 72 HOUR SUICIDE HOLD. GET LINKED UP WITH A DOCTOR AND THERAPIST AND STICK WITH THEM. LIVE. RAISE YOUR CHILDREN.
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Last week, I saw a guy with an eyepatch and a gold monocle and pointed him out to Flea as one of the most awesome things I've seen, ever. If I had an eyepatch and a gold monocle, I'd always dress up as Mr. Peanut but with a hook hand and a parrot.
#100 Nov 07 2016 at 7:57 PM Rating: Good
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The only position worse than being the most unfortunate person in the world is being the second most unfortunate person.

People in depressive states often seek to inflate the severity of their problems to legitimize their feelings. Depressive people don't want to realize their setbacks are minor. Depressive people don't want to realize their condition is temporary. Depressive people don't want to realize their problems are solvable.

Angry people don't want to be told to calm down. Heartbroken people don't want to be told they'll get over it. People don't enjoying realizing what they're feeling is incorrect.
#101 Nov 07 2016 at 8:52 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I write about it here because it is a relief for me. I feel a lot less like clawing my eyes out after writing gbaji-worthy walls of text.


Which is ironic, given how most people feel after reading my posts. Smiley: tongue

Seriously though, if you examine your own feelings, you'll find that what Joph said is about *why* you feel relief. You're looking for validation and attention. You get it by talking about just how awful things are in your life. The problem with this method of attention gaining is that it requires increasingly more awful things to outdo the last set of awful things. Which can easily result in a self created downward spiral. You're actively choosing to focus in a negative direction because you've found that's the easiest way to garner attention. That's not a good direction to go though.

I feel like I'm being a broken record here, but you really do need to find some means to change your own mental direction. It's like people give you advice, and your response is to just insist that it can't work, things are just too bad, you're a special unique snowflake for whom the normal rules just don't apply, etc, etc, etc. You really do come off like you're committed to being miserable, and nothing anyone says will make any difference. And yeah, as long as you insist on that, you're going to have that negative outcome. But what do you expect anyone else to do about it?

From our perspective, this is like someone complaining about how much it hurts when they hit themselves with a hammer. When we respond with the obvious "stop hitting yourself with a hammer", you insist that's just not possible. Um... Ok. You've received a number of responses, all variations of the same thing. You can choose to ignore the advice you've been given, and wallow in the pain and suffering that results, but then you really can't complain about it since it's you doing it to yourself. Repeatedly saying "I can't do that", isn't helpful at all. You can do these things we're suggesting. You are choosing not to.
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