I have been filtered out.
You're not filtered out, you're just lazy.
Thanks Hannity. You forgot to say entitled. Why, there are people living in grass huts dying from cholera but here we are with our refrigerators and color TVs. We just haven't given enough of ourselves until we're like them. We really ought to lower our expectations some more.
It's also not "everyone is worse off than you,"
Did I say that? No really. I might have. I don't remember. I don't think I did, though.
it means "there are some people who were worse off than you, and they have manage to improve their lives." I'm not saying "Cheer up, your situation is not so bad". I'm pointing out the fact because you seem to be describing your situation as unalterable. It's not. You have power and control here. You can make things better.
It's astounding how far a job and some positive thinking can take you. This isn't self help woo. Psychological studies show that both depressive thinking and positive thinking work in feedback loops. When you are depressed, you will recall earlier memories as more depressing than you would those exact same memories in a healthier state. An honest job, no matter how entry level, can provide some base level of self esteem over no job. IT also provides money, and more money can help reduce anxieties associated with finances (which are one of the most common strainers on marriages). I'm assuming you're in a position to work because you discussed nursing training earlier, but if you need to be a stay at home dad or volunteer, that's fine to, as long as you treat it like work.
Ok. I get that. I also appreciate that you are at least trying to understand by the way. That is my goal. I am trying to make sense of this. I am trying to understand.
I realize not everything is sh
it. Today anyway. I don't feel like setting everything on fire today. I can't explain why. There is more to it than simply being depressed, though. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes, and no matter my current state of mind, I can't say spending twelve years of my life working for Walmart and other bottom of the barrel type jobs was not a huge mistake. It really was. I really regret doing it. But I still feel pressured to continue doing it.
Things are different now than they were years ago. I am not at all concerned about money. It would take at least seven of me working at jobs that would hire me to make as much as my wife makes. It would take at least 10 Kuwoobies to equal 1 Kuwoobie's wife in income if she didn't call out all the time and decline the chance to work extra for the huge incentives they offer her.
I spent the last two years of my life trying to follow her path. I went to the same school as her, but not to be a nurse. I went in for radiology tech, x-rays and CT scans and such. I had perfect grades in my gen ed classes. I didn't really have to try until the core classes began. I was trained to take xrays of the chest, abdomen, upper and lower extremities, skull and spine, and my skills at doing this were on par with that of my classmates, with the exception of two who were particularly good at it.
After many months of studying, we began clinicals last January, where we were split up and assigned to local hospitals and outpatient facilities. It was the last big step before graduation. I had one more year of doing just this and a couple of classes in between.
I worked at a hospital as a student tech, and it was there that everything fell apart. The anxiety was so intense. I did not belong there. I kept thinking it was all in my head. Aside from the radiologist, I was the only man there out of some 30-40 people that I interacted with. Why? It felt so awkward. The verbal and body language most of them used towards me felt incredibly hostile, while a few seemed friendly, even flirty-- they served to do nothing but irritate the others further. Most of the time I didn't know where they wanted me to be or what I was supposed to be doing. I just knew I wasn't allowed to sit down or appear idle, but I did everything they told me to do, which usually included collecting laundry and trash and cleaning exam rooms. Occasionally I would get the opportunity to perform on patients, then more and more. Every minute I was there felt like hours, and every day was an enormous challenge. --but I toughed it out and pushed through no matter how I felt, and I went every day.
By the end of the third week, I had observed dozens of CT scans and invasive fluoroscopic procedures where I was trained to assist whoever the radiologist was that day. By that third week, I had loads of experience taking xrays with both the mobile and stationary machines. I had amassed hundreds of images with my tags on them with very few mistakes. It was mostly chest x-rays. Rarely there would be patients with fractured wrists from punching a wall or something like that.
On Friday of the third week, I was finally feeling confident. I had a load of signed competencies under my belt, far more than what I needed. I had five more weeks of that place to go before taking more classes.
Then Monday came around, and everything was suddenly different. The boss lady had returned from being sick from the previous week. I can't really explain it in any way other than she was being a raging ***** with a huge chip on her shoulder. The routine I had become confident with the week before was gone. I was to work with her that day. So I spent that day in a single exam room with her screaming at me incoherently, becoming more and more angry when I didn't do exactly what she wanted when it was never clear to me exactly what that was. She was reckless and had no regard for safety or protocol for herself or the patients.
At some point during the day, she ordered me to return a patient to "the lobby." I was a student, and I knew it was not my place to escort a patient anywhere. I have BEEN TOLD THIS. She knew exactly what would happen. I walked with the patient to the front lobby and bid him a good day. But oh, she meant the ER lobby
. The lobby I'd never seen or been to before-- the one in the total opposite direction she had pointed to when she told me to take him to said unspecified lobby.
Mind you, this is the same vindictive and condescending cun
t who had called me into her office after the first week to discuss my hairstyle. You see, I used to have very long hair, and this didn't set well with her. --and even though I kept it neat and tied back like literally everyone else who worked there, it was somehow a problem for me
. So she calls me into her office and shows me her Google search of all sorts of man-buns and pretty bows I could put in my hair to make it more "professional" smiling and pretending to be serious the entire time. I told her I would simply go and get it cut, and I did. When I came back the next day I had a very short, trimmed hairstyle you might expect an upstanding Christian man to have. "Oh it looks so nice! You didn't have to do that for me." she said.
So this mishap with the patient going back to the wrong lobby was a very big deal. She made a big dramatic scene about it in front of everyone and demanded I go back to Kaiser to speak with my instructors. I was happy to leave early that day. Another minute in that place and I would have gouged out her beady little eyes with my pen.
So I returned to Kaiser to discuss the situation with my instructors, and while I was on the way there, boss lady had apparently sent them a nasty email, saying she didn't want me to come back. This basically lead to them telling me I was out of the program-- that all the work I had done was for nothing, and that I should look at other options such as IT. "Why, all the young men are in IT." "I think you would be good at that." she insisted.
But you know, I had only just been trained to do RT, which I had started to become quite good at. Why not start ALL OVER and learn a field I have no interest in whatsoever? Why? Because they didn't like me. So I can be IT's problem and have some raging cun
t pull the same kind of bullshi
t and set me even further into debt with that place? I was furious, but I managed to maintain my composure and explained my side of the story only for it to be ignored. By this point I was done anyway. I wasn't going to fight it. They were right. I wasn't cut out for medical work. "I can't teach you how to be a person" my instructor told me. I was literally not a person.
I can do xrays. I am trained to do it. I understand radiation and all the formulas involved. I can take a perfect chest x-ray every time when there isn't a raging ***** screaming in my ******* ear.
But it's all for nothing. Now I get emails in my inbox every day about how I owe student loans more money and I have no intent to pay them. They can't garnish my wages this time because I don't have a job, so **** 'em.
I guess the moral in all this is: I am perfectly aware that I can keep trying. I could keep rolling until I roll a perfect 20 and everything could work out great. But past experiences have shown me time and time again that, while it is POSSIBLE for things to work out ok, it is MUCH MORE probable that I will draw my bow and shoot myself in the face. I don't know. That made a lot more sense in my mind. It's a D&D reference. My wife is rushing me to leave and do errands so I can't really focus on writing anymore.