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#427 Jun 13 2018 at 7:18 PM Rating: Decent
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I'll second the idea about food pantry/whatevers. Local soup kitchens (do they still call them that) are always willing to take any volunteer that comes their way, is a great way to socialize with other people, and no one's going to judge you. If you're not so happy with the idea of interacting with random people, working behind the scenes at a food bank type location is still volunteering, but is more about showing up at a warehouse somewhere and unpacking large boxes of bulk foods and then repacking them into smaller packages with a set variety of foods inside (I suppose this depends on the specifics of the work, but this is what I did many years ago).

These are pretty easy volunteer spots to get, wont require any time consuming checks, and they're always willing to take more people. Often, when working in the volunteer food industry (is that an industry?), part of the deal is that you can get a portion of the food box/whatever as "payment" for your help. So X hours of helping load boxes of food for others, and you get a box of food for your own household (and if working at a place that serves food, you're typically going to be allowed to eat the same meal yourself while there if you wish). So not a job that's putting money in your pocket, but you get to help others, burn some time, may interact with others as desired, and may help offset some of your own living expenses as well.

There are a ton of options out there, if you want.
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#428 Jun 15 2018 at 11:10 AM Rating: Good
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I talked to my wife about it. She insists that my duty is here, at home-- and not using up fuel driving around town to work without compensation.

She is right, though. If I am not here to clean constantly our living space quickly degrades into abject squalor-- between the cats pissing and ******** everywhere because they have somehow forgotten to use the litter box, and her and the children leaving their trash everywhere. Because of her knee injury, she cannot carry trash down the stairs or groceries back up again. Because she works all the time and makes all the money, I am expected to take care of these things.

I really hate this place. It's like I want to go home, but I am home. "If you could just get a job we could afford to live someplace else" she says. If I could just win the lottery. If I could just have an anthropomorphic unicorn deliver a suitcase filled millions of dollars even seems more likely. But what difference would "someplace else" really make?

I don't understand. It's like all around me is a vast empty wasteland that goes on forever. I can choose to walk in either direction and find more of the same until I collapse or stand still and do nothing.
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#429 Jun 15 2018 at 11:31 AM Rating: Excellent
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While your wife is welcome to have an opinion on whether or not you volunteer your time, she doesn't really get a vote.
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#430 Jun 15 2018 at 12:24 PM Rating: Excellent
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Kill the cat, crucify on kids' door, explain they're next if they don't help around the house.

Edited, Jun 15th 2018 2:24pm by lolgaxe
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#431 Jun 15 2018 at 4:02 PM Rating: Excellent
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Seriously. The kids should be doing household chores and the cats are expendable if they are using the house as their litter box.

Non-profit work can be a good networking tool to finding paying work. Most people working for free in Place A are already employed at Place B and can let you know about opportunities and even assist you if they know "This guy is a good worker, is a good guy helping the [whoever] and needs a job".
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#432 Jun 29 2018 at 4:08 PM Rating: Good
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When I was maybe eight or nine years old, I remember watching a cartoon on TV called "Doug." I watched a lot of TV then. I hated that show with a burning passion, but I watched it because it was on and back then we didn't really have a lot of other choices.

I hated it because the series protagonist, Doug Funny, seemed to represent everything I hated about myself made manifest as some pretentious animated dweeb. I frequently felt embarrassed on his behalf, being completely helpless as he repeatedly made a total fool of himself in the eyes of God and everyone, it being a program potentially viewed by hundreds of thousands of people at any given moment. I hated all of the characters on the show for one reason or another. Just looking at all their stupid faces, with their stupid names like "Dinkledorf" or "Skeeter", filled me with rage. They all annoyed me, and I often fantasized about entering the world of the cartoon and murdering all of them in progressively hideous ways.

I wake up today feeling like I have arrived in Dorkington (or whatever it was). What I once felt about a cartoon show is how I now feel about the real world. I can't look anywhere without seeing someone or something that causes me to cringe. All people. All races. All backgrounds. Left and Right. Everyone is an idiot. Everyone deserves to die. Even me, especially me. Even you, whoever bothers to read what I say.

I think about everything being set to fire. I imagine every building burning with people trapped inside, exterminated. I imagine massive floods and tsunamis that wipe away countless people, pulling them under the current and drowning them.

--but then I stop. Someone always appears in my mind's eye to make it stop. The young ones. I could never kill a child. They are saving the world inside my mind from Armageddon, like hostages. They are a living shield for everyone else. --even though they all grow up to be the same ugly, brutish monsters. Mindless consumers. Slaves. Maybe they won't this time? Maybe this time they will grow up without polluted minds, and have enlightened ones instead. I think that is a strong possibility.
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#433 Jul 11 2018 at 9:47 PM Rating: Good
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I think I will use my new Minecraft server to start a cult. Either that or I'll escape into the woods somewhere and start a new life as a transient. Driving on the highway today has made me realize just how much unused land there is all over the place. I even saw a bear. Maybe there is a place for me out there among the trees and the animals.
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#434 Jul 12 2018 at 2:25 AM Rating: Good
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OH, a hermit. That's a job I could work 6 days a week.
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#435 Jul 12 2018 at 6:48 AM Rating: Excellent
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May as well monetize it and become a fire watcher.
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#436 Jul 12 2018 at 1:06 PM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
I even saw a bear. Maybe there is a place for me out there among the trees and the animals.
I saw a bear over the weekend too, but no trees or animals.
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#437 Jul 12 2018 at 1:49 PM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
I even saw a bear. Maybe there is a place for me out there among the trees and the animals.
I saw a bear over the weekend too, but no trees or animals.
Did you go find Nixnot and visit a few bars?
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#438 Jul 14 2018 at 9:59 AM Rating: Good
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Rejection. That is the reoccurring theme of all things. Rejection from love interests. Rejection from job and financial prospects. Rejection from social connections. Rejection. That is the word that ties all of these things together that I have been missing.

Acceptance. This is the reoccurring solution I read about everywhere. Accept your cold and indifferent wife. Accept your shitty job at Walmart. Accept your state of aloneness.

The frustration is maddening. It is like having your head held under water and being allowed just enough air to retain consciousness as your face is pushed into it again and again and again forever.

"Get back up and turn it into something positive" says everything. "Learn to enjoy it" says everything. What I see is "lower the bar." I am to lower my standards and expectations. Learn to eat shit and like it, because that's all there is and ever will be.

"Sour grapes" they all say while standing over me and stuffing their faces with said grapes, making no attempt to disguise how orgasmically delicious they are. "Silly Rabbit." Here is your bag of carrots. Eat up.

I have learned, though-- to some extent. I haven't killed myself or anyone else. It is like a balancing act. Whenever it gets to the point where I feel like gouging my eyes out and cutting my throat or jumping in front of a semi truck, I accept a little bit more so that things can tilt back to the center, and I survive.

But this little trick I have been doing it starting to decay. "Get a job! Hurrr!" says everyone and everything. "Get a job! Baahaaah, baaaahhah" bleat the sheep. No. I can't go back to that like I used to. At this point, I would MUCH rather gouge my eyes out and cut my throat, or jump in front of a semi truck than work for Walmart for even one more day.

So in a sense, that whole leg of the chair has gone. There are now only three, and they're all pretty rickety. But the balancing act continues.
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#439 Jul 16 2018 at 10:07 PM Rating: Good
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I finally watched Game of Thrones. All of it. It was surprisingly good, although season 7 felt really sloppy and rushed compared to previous seasons. Still good though.

Arya is my favorite. I'm so glad she didn't die. Same for Ser Jorah and Brienne of Tarth who I feel I identify a lot with. I was really expecting a lot more characters to die given the series' reputation. I'll probably read the books soon as well.

I have never seen anything that had SO MANY likable and memorable characters. I feel like because the characters were all so good, I could keep full attention on everything that was going on and everything that was said. All of the trivia questions I have seen related to it all make perfect sense to me now.

Edited, Jul 17th 2018 4:09am by Kuwoobie
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#440 Jul 23 2018 at 6:45 PM Rating: Good
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Ok, so. I usually say "ignore this," but in this case, I'm curious to see what someone outside of my head thinks about all this.

I have realized for a while now: I am a person who is filled with hatred.

Normally when "filled with hate" is used to describe someone-- the immediate image that comes to mind is something akin to a skinhead neonazi type person, bent on destroying non-whites and Jews. --or perhaps some religious zealot who wants to murder homosexuals.

...but I am not either of those things. It's hard to judge someone for being a different skin tone or for whatever things I imagine they do with their lover. Come to think of it, it's not that hard to imagine. When I was a child, there was a short period of time when I hated other kids who were black. I think it was because of something my older brother said to me once about them. --and there was an even longer period of time where I was extremely homophobic, and frequently fantasized about destroying a gay cruise I had read about in the newspaper. I even hated British people because of the way they were portrayed on television for most of the same kinds of reasons.

I grew out of all that, though. I often wonder if it's all just a phase that everyone goes through but some people never graduate from.

I felt ok for a while. I used to think that people were generally good, and generally reasonable. I used to think that even if someone was dumb as a rock that they still at least had good intentions overall.

...and then I went out into the world. I worked whatever jobs were available, and lived wherever I could live. --and with every interaction, every rude customer, every obnoxious and arrogant landlord, I began to hate. I remember every unkind word. Every threat. Every stupid comment. "Stupid" was the key word, because there was never anything these people said or did that wasn't.

They have always been there. Even as a child I have hated them to some extent. "Rednecks" I called them back then. Oafish, drooling creatures. But "Redneck" is too narrow of a term for them, I feel, as they come from all walks of life, and they are everywhere.

Sometimes they are clever and disguise themselves as decent human beings, but sooner or later they always give themselves away.

Today things are different. Worse. It has never before been so easy to identify them, as they ALL march under the banner of the new president. It's not like before with W. Bush or Reagan-- this is not merely political. I do not hate someone because they're against abortion or thought Reaganomics was a good idea. I hate them because they are genuinely trash. They are single minded insects. Animals. They have no concept of empathy and wear their stupidity like a badge of honor. They are the so-called "silent majority" who are anything but silent or the majority. They are the so called "Real Americans." --and the trash have risen up and elected their king, the King of Slobs and Champion of Cretins, and are emboldened by him.

This is one thing I can be sure of-- that ever single individual person I have ever hated enough to want to murder falls squarely into this category. --and I can be sure that everyone who falls under this category is more than fair game by my standards.

So I hate, and I gleefully anticipate the day where I can get a hold of one of them and squeeze their windpipe closed until they die. --some person who is someone else's son or daughter, parent or grandparent, sibling or friend. I am completely unable to feel sorry for them, and perhaps I would be willing to kill their family as well for good measure, and perhaps I should.

"That's so horrible" I think. It's horrible to think of other people as being less than human. It is horrible to think about taking someone's life. ...and yet, it becomes more and more difficult every day to not think these things.

I know that it's bad. It hurts me far more than anyone else. It's like poison. So now I wonder-- Why? What is the reason for all of this? Is there such a thing as reasonable hatred?

Do I feel threatened by them? I think so. I feel like they are probably a threat to me and to the people and things I care about. I feel like they are a threat to my personal freedom. For instance, how long might it be before we start seeing more of these "work requirements" -- ones that affect more than just food stamp and medicaid recipients? How long might it be before I find myself locked inside a for-profit prison for writing posts like these or some other offense of some law that has yet to be?

How many days do I have left before some gaping ****** with a gun picks a fight with me over a parking space and kills me in "self defense?" --because they would all defend his actions, too. Each and every one of them. They would all do the same exact thing if they had the chance. They aren't people. They are monsters.
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#441 Jul 23 2018 at 7:06 PM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
How many days do I have left before some gaping ****** with a gun picks a fight with me over a parking space and kills me in "self defense?" --because they would all defend his actions, too. Each and every one of them. They would all do the same exact thing if they had the chance. They aren't people. They are monsters.


Well, as long as you don't attack them, you won't get shot. (or at least, they won't be able to claim self defense, because you didn't shove them to the ground and get left in a position to do much more damage to them as they had no idea what your intentions were at that moment.)
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#442 Jul 24 2018 at 7:17 AM Rating: Good
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Seven days.
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#443 Jul 29 2018 at 11:29 AM Rating: Good
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TirithRR wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
How many days do I have left before some gaping ****** with a gun picks a fight with me over a parking space and kills me in "self defense?" --because they would all defend his actions, too. Each and every one of them. They would all do the same exact thing if they had the chance. They aren't people. They are monsters.


Well, as long as you don't attack them, you won't get shot. (or at least, they won't be able to claim self defense, because you didn't shove them to the ground and get left in a position to do much more damage to them as they had no idea what your intentions were at that moment.)


I will attack them, but I won't push or shove. They will be dead before they can retaliate. But with a knife, I probably can't claim self defense. That almost seems exclusively a gun thing. I don't trust myself with a gun, though.

I realize, days later, that my post made things far too personal. This is not about me. This is about all people. This is a problem for everyone, particularly of this region. These people are the cancer of humanity, and I am just one lonely T-cell that wants to remove them, but can't without also being destroyed. What we need is something more akin to a surgeon, who could cut away large chunks of tumor all at once. --or something like chemotherapy which may include a lot of collateral damage somewhere around Lake Okeechobee or Daytona where they tend to congregate in large numbers.
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#444 Jul 29 2018 at 1:22 PM Rating: Good
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I'm trying very hard to be less negative today. One thing I have read is to stop discounting the good things so much.

In fact, things have been pretty great lately. There have been a lot of happy days. We even had a guest for two months-- one of my stepdaughter's friends. We call her Xye. They met on my first Minecraft server about seven years ago and have been good friends ever since. This will have been the second summer in a row she had come to stay with us. She is like family. I have never met anyone who was so clever with words and with such a sharp sense of humor. She claims to be a social outcast, but as far as I can see she is adored by everyone wherever she goes, and for good reason. Aside from that, she is also a brilliant and accomplished artist which is not an exaggeration by any means.

Her presence here was a much needed relief. We would go out more because she was here, and our nights were filled with pizza and lan partying. Often nights we would go swimming at the complex pool, just me and Xye-- because no one else wanted to go-- and we'd swim around and talk about life and the world with the whole pool to ourselves til sunrise.

Two weeks ago we took her back to the airport so she could return to her real family in California. We were sad to see her go. She'll be back next summer, though.

In recent months, I have been spending a lot of time with some old friends-- a guy I used to work at Walmart with back in 2006 and his wife. We used to go out and play Pokemon Go and D&D together a few times, and then they needed help moving into a new house. So I helped them. Since then I have been invited to hang out with them a lot. We dine and play pool at a local bar almost every week. --and any time they need help with a project, I am there to help.

My wife doesn't like this. She says I have become their errand monkey. She doesn't understand, though, that I am more than happy to help them. When they went away to Japan for a few weeks, they asked me to drive their kids to and from school while they were away.

It was then that I made yet another friend, their oldest daughter. She had always been there, just kind of in the background. It was not really until then that I felt like I was really meeting her for the first time. She says I am a "big weeb", like her, and that I'm her personal Uber. She will text me any time she needs to go somewhere or pick up one of her friends and I will take her there. She tells me that aside from her best friend from school, I am the only person she really likes to hang out with. I feel healed by these words.

These past few days, we all play games over a call on Discord-- me, her and Xye. Sometimes my 6 year old son will play with us. These are happy times. Some days it is just the two of us, and I am reminded of all the times I used to spend with Red. It's not the same, but it's nice.
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#445 Aug 15 2018 at 12:35 AM Rating: Good
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On a day like this, I feel abandoned. I was carried for a while, such that I could feel the breeze on my face. --but today there is no motion. I lay on the surface of the water with nowhere to go and no way to move on my own. My friends all have better things to do today than to spend time with me. They all have other people in their lives to tend to.

The first reaction to this, of course, would be "So be alone. Move yourself." It's another one of those "why don't you just" statements where the answer is supposed to be blindingly obvious but obviously there are some extenuating circumstances that no one can see which not even I can fully understand. So I write on here in hopes I can glean some image of the truth.

So today I feel abandoned because they're all off doing other things that I can't interfere with. It has never been said, but I already know that how things are: My "weeb" friend, the girl, the oldest daughter. I will call her "Fujoshi" because that is frequently what she calls herself. She just started back to school a few days ago-- and she can't let her peers know about me. At the very least, it is frowned upon for teenage girls to be in a call with a thirty-something year old man to play Minecraft and Terraria in the middle of the night when they should be sleeping. There is no harm in it, of course, but harm that is imagined and greatly exaggerated after. There had been days where I was out with her in the real world, just the two of us, and I could feel people silently judging. I wrote something the other day on this:

Quote:
I'm starting to notice this trend where people, once they observe a thought or action from another-- will automatically and without fail leap to the worst possible conclusion. Then they'll lock it in, and nothing you say or do can convince them otherwise.

No one ever seems to stop and think, "maybe they're not actually following me and they're just walking in the same general direction." No. It's actually an axe murderer that's been stalking you for years!

A lot of good things are ruined by this. -- because we can see the potential for harm where there is none, or at least not nearly as much as we let ourselves believe.

Just my 2am thoughts.


The worst case scenario, of course, is that I am a "man". I am something to be feared and reviled if found out of place. --that place in society being in prison, or peeling potatoes for the army. --not alone with a girl in public. Surely I am some kind of pervert worthy of the kind of dramatic knee-jerk reactions and death threats you see people are programmed to perform.

I downplay my relationship with her to my wife, because I know she would get jealous and do everything in her power to sabotage my friendship with Fujoshi if she knew just how much time I actually spent with her. --and then there are Fujoshi's parents. They don't say anything. I can't imagine what they must think-- but we continue life as usual. We go out and play pool on Sunday night and the subject never even comes up with them.

Then there is Fujoshi herself... She knows that I would never harm her or her family in any way, and that I would, in fact, give my life to protect her. In the end, it's her opinion that is the only one that really matters. In her words I can feel that she loves me and values me as a friend. We tend to have the same conversation over and over: She assures me that I can never annoy her or make her uncomfortable with my presence, and if she had her way, I would never leave her side. She assures me that she is NOT like everyone else, and I just tell her "I am glad for that."

But Summer is over, which means it's back to school for Fujoshi-- back to her peers. Today was the first day in a long time where I was not needed, so naturally my mind drifts back into this place where I must contemplate my final days on Earth, because I fear she might never come back. I know it isn't likely, though. Not yet anyway... I think what I fear is that eventually she will go away and never come back. --and I'll be left behind all over again. Then I think-- "How many times does this have to happen?"
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#446 Aug 15 2018 at 5:55 AM Rating: Good
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You should build a park in your back yard. Somewhere where you can invite all the children to play with you year round. You could call it something fun. Like Neverland Ranch...
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#447 Aug 15 2018 at 7:50 AM Rating: Good
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Or Knowhere. Smiley: sly
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#448 Aug 15 2018 at 12:06 PM Rating: Good
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lolgaxe wrote:
Or Knowhere. Smiley: sly
How's that a joke about inappropriate relationships with children? I don't get it...
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#449 Aug 15 2018 at 12:43 PM Rating: Good
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TirithRR wrote:
lolgaxe wrote:
Or Knowhere. Smiley: sly
How's that a joke about inappropriate relationships with children? I don't get it...


You wouldn't. Your humor seems to be limited to 90s cliches only.

Edited, Aug 15th 2018 6:45pm by Kuwoobie
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#450 Aug 15 2018 at 12:53 PM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
TirithRR wrote:
lolgaxe wrote:
Or Knowhere. Smiley: sly
How's that a joke about inappropriate relationships with children? I don't get it...
You wouldn't. Your humor seems to be limited to 90s cliches only.

I'll post this timestamped youtube video with explanation that it's a joke so we don't get all gbaji'd in here.

Edited, Aug 15th 2018 8:39pm by TirithRR
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#451 Aug 15 2018 at 10:03 PM Rating: Good
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TirithRR wrote:
Kuwoobie wrote:
TirithRR wrote:
lolgaxe wrote:
Or Knowhere. Smiley: sly
How's that a joke about inappropriate relationships with children? I don't get it...
You wouldn't. Your humor seems to be limited to 90s cliches only.

I'll post this timestamped youtube video with explanation that it's a joke so we don't get all gbaji'd in here.

Edited, Aug 15th 2018 8:39pm by TirithRR


If it makes you feel any better, I didn't get lolgaxe's joke, either.
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