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#377 Nov 22 2017 at 5:40 PM Rating: Good
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It's funny how seemingly little it takes to bring things back to some semblance of normalcy.

I've been talking to this person more and more. It would seem, at the very least, that she doesn't hate me. More so, she actually seems to want to talk to me. I gave her a ride home in my car yesterday, which feels like a pretty big deal for some reason-- that someone would trust me with something like that. No one ever has before.

From the sound of things, we are going out to play pool on Sunday. Another first. It's almost overwhelming. --that someone would actually want to spend time with me outside of school or work.

I feel fine lately. It is as though I have met some basic criteria. It's as if something was close to meltdown before, but everything is stable again because of the difference this one person has made. I was never asking for much, after all. I don't really know what it is. I keep thinking that somehow, I feel validated.

All it takes, it would seem, is someone to talk to on a semi-regular basis. All of the negativity I had been burdened with before has been replaced with anticipation. I simply can't wait for our next meeting.

I keep thinking of how it is like a drug. When I'm near enough to see her, all of those funny brain chemicals become active. The last post I made was the result of what of what could be compared with withdrawal symptoms, as it had been several days since I'd spoken to her last, and at the time it didn't seem like this pattern of behavior of hers would continue.
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#378 Dec 01 2017 at 1:10 PM Rating: Good
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I feel like I understand more and more every day.

I failed a major exam today. It was a huge chunk of my overall grade and I got a zero. The exam was a simulation of RT practice. I had another classmate as my "patient" and did the whole routine with them, minus the actual x-ray exposure. But because I forgot to change out the cassettes between images, it was considered a double exposure and therefore an automatic zero.

My instructor asked me to stay because she wanted to have an "honest conversation" with me. She basically told me I wasn't good for RT and that I should look at other options...

It was very reminiscent of all the times I have been turned away by women I had shown interest in. They would always say that I should talk to someone else and leave them alone. It felt like the same thing here. --That I should go and do something else because I'm not good enough.

If it had been only that one simple mistake, I don't think she would have said that to me. I think I annoy my classmates. I feel like they don't want me there, and neither does my instructor. I feel that way everywhere I go, and the moment I start to think otherwise, reality slaps me back into place.

But just like relationships, what is to say I would not be having that exact same conversation had I already been chosen a different career path?

I told her that there were no other options. She didn't understand. She said that I should find something I would be good at and that I enjoyed. I told her there was no such thing, because honestly, there isn't. I tolerate what I'm doing now fine enough. The idea of starting completely over with something new and equally risky is absurd to me. Quitting this program and "going somewhere else" is basically equivalent" to "go back to working at Wal-Mart, trash."

That has always been in the back of my mind-- what could happen if I failed the program I'm in. It would mean going back to what I did before. It would mean working however many hours are assigned to me for just enough money to afford living with roomates and daily ramen noodles and doing work that I WILL NOT tolerate any longer. It would mean a dead end, with no chance of ever being anything else.

It was then that I realized why I often think and talk about killing myself. --and why there are so many people who have actually done that. It's because there are so many circumstances that are worse than death.

Being used by Wal-Mart all your life as a wage slave ***** is worse than being dead, just like being married to someone for no reason other than it's convenient for them to have a free house maid and babysitter is worse than death.

--and if I can't become anything more than a wage slave, then I will never have the attention of anyone else. Yet I'm still alive-- because everything that would make life livable is dangled in my face, just out of my reach. Always.

I keep thinking about the Trix Rabbit analogy. How he is obsessed with getting to eat the cereal that everyone else gets to eat, but whenever he gets close, it gets snatched away from him. "Silly Rabbit. These aren't for you." Here are your carrots that you eat every day. Now eat so you can sustain your life and live to suffer another day.

Wal-Mart is my ****** bag of carrots, because I can apply for thousands of positions where help is wanted but they are always the only ones who call. My wife is my ****** bag of carrots, because she is the only one who has ever had a use for someone like me. Cold, dry, bitter, lifeless carrots.

I think of how a typical rabbit lives. In a cage or hutch. Probably a gift for a child on Easter, who was happy to receive it for all of 20 minutes before the novelty wore away. Now an inconvenience. It would be cruel to let the rabbit starve to death, but feeding him is an afterthought. He just sits in his cage all day, forgotten. Ignored. Unwanted.

--and there is the big key word and underlying theme. Unwanted. I don't want to talk to you, find someone else. We don't want you on our team. Go somewhere else. I know this word is important because in just typing this last paragraph I am filled with a unique sort of pain, like I am touching a very sensitive nerve and pressing my thumb into it, hard.

What people never realize is, I don't have someone "else" to go talk to. I don't have anywhere "else" to go to. There isn't some magical person somewhere that would react differently. There is no career path that is looking for ugly, awkward, autistic men. They just as well be saying "go somewhere and die."

I'm still alive because I don't want to die. I want to solidify all of the good things I fantasize about-- more than anything else. So all this time I have lived a life that is worse than being dead because I keep tricking myself into thinking there's a chance-- that I might escape from this cage and live among other rabbits, and be loved, and wanted. If I fail this class, however, it won't matter how much I want to keep trying. I will no longer have that choice.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#379 Jan 27 2018 at 6:57 AM Rating: Decent
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I just had a total nostalgia breakdown and went through a lot of my old posts over the course of 4~ hours when I realized I hadn't posted in almost a full year.

That's weird to me. When I open my browser, Allakhazam is the first thing I open (Then MMO-Champion, then Facebook). It's an old habit that came from doing just that for over eight years. I barely even check up on FFXI because I haven't played it in 3.5 years. But...I still sit on the general chat forums.

It's....Kind of scary how doing something for a large fraction of your life can turn into a habit that you continue to do when it's no longer relevant.

I do hope this site can become relevant again someday, I really enjoyed my time here.
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Necro Warning: This post occurred more than thirty days after the prior, and may be a necropost.
#380 Jan 29 2018 at 8:50 AM Rating: Good
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Zafire wrote:
I do hope this site can become relevant again someday,
Pic related.
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#381 Jan 30 2018 at 4:03 AM Rating: Decent
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lolgaxe wrote:
Zafire wrote:
I do hope this site can become relevant again someday,
Pic related.


Hey, you never know!

Edited, Jan 30th 2018 6:14am by Zafire
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All SJ's capped for LVL99!

#382 Feb 05 2018 at 4:51 PM Rating: Good
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I finished studying and taking tests. On January 8th, my birthday, I began clinicals. This is where I go to an actual hospital to work as a sort of intern. Me and another student from my class, a young girl-- no older than 18 or 19, were assigned to the same clinical site.

For five days a week, eight hours a day, it became my job to write down any procedures I had witnessed or performed. I was to gain "competencies" for a number of procedures, meaning I had to learn to perform different positions on patients as they came in and prove I could do them on my own.

The first few weeks were pretty rough. It was a new kind of experience-- being in a hospital behind the scenes. I had expected to be working with one, maybe two RTs during my time there, but there were actually dozens of different techs there on any given day. I was to follow whoever had something to do at the time, which was almost never... The down time was the hardest part. Having nothing to do and being under a microscope and being expected to stay busy somehow was like torture. Every minute felt like an hour. Save for whoever the radiologist was there on that day, I was the only man working there. All the techs were women. I had never felt more like an alien, or more out of place in my life. Some even said things to me like they were surprised to see a guy there.

Occasionally a fax would come in and we'd have a round of portables to do-- this was the best part. I was actually able to do what I was there to do, and I was actually getting pretty good at it. By the third week, I had mastered wrists, ankles, hands, feet, abdomen and esophagrams. I did so many chest x-rays that I could probably do them blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back. By Friday of the third week, I was feeling a lot better about the whole thing. I was so much more confident when dealing with patients. I was getting to know each individual tech that worked there, and how they liked to do things. I left there that day feeling like it would be no problem, and it was something I could do...

Then Monday the next week, something happened. I'm still not sure what, exactly. From the very start of that day something felt wrong. Meredith, the lady in charge, had returned from covering someone else who had been out sick with the flu the entire week before. She was there the whole day, barking and snarling at me, demanding I do more than "just stand there" during down time-- pacing around and loudly complaining about how her teeth hurt. They must have been hurting a lot, because I had never seen anyone act so erratically. Somehow, I ended up getting stuck with her with a few patients, who she hastily threw into position while screaming at me to stand back and press the exposure button while she stood in the room with them... I never had any problems with any of the other techs. I started to feel like she was playing me. She was acting erratic and giving me misleading directions for the purpose of humiliating me.

Just like weeks before, when she pulled me into her office to show me images on Google of different bows and braids I could put my hair up in to coerce me into cutting it without outright telling me to... She couldn't have just told me it was hospital policy for men to have short hair. I had it tied back in the same manner as any of the women who worked there, but that wasn't good enough. I told her I would just go home and shave it. "Oh no don't do that. Look at these pig tails!" Of course, I went home and shaved it all short. It wasn't a big deal. I just wish she didn't feel like she had to embarrass me over it. But that had become the ongoing theme with her. It's like she enjoyed it.

Back to my last day... At some point we had an elderly patient (almost all of them were elderly), who she just finished a chest xray with. She then told me to return the patient to the lobby, since he didn't have a room, as all the rooms were full that day. As a student, I had no business returning walking patients anywhere. She said it would be fine since she was in charge. She even came out into the hall and pointed me towards the lobby. "I'm glad you know where you're going" said the old man as I began to get lost, trying not to lock myself out being without a scannable ID to operate the inner doors with. Finally we reached the cafeteria, which I knew was directly connected to the front lobby, where I had returned many patients to before with other techs. I told the patient that it was as far as I could go without being locked out, and that the lobby was around the corner there, pointing.

Come to find out, what Meredith meant to tell me was the patient was to go to the ER lobby, not the front lobby. She deliberately led me with the patient to the wrong lobby, so they could say they found him wandering around in the cafeteria, lost. --so she could come back to me, outraged, huffing and puffing, about how she had failed, and what an idiot she was and how she had failed (really meaning me, of course.)

Shortly later she came back and demanded I leave early to get a new left marker from Keiser. I had lost it a week before. My plan was to get a new left marker when I went for my class meeting that Wednesday. It was about an hours drive away.

On the way there, she apparently emailed my instructors telling them that she didn't want me to come back, after which my instructors at Keiser called me to come and talk to them while I was there getting a new marker. They basically got me in a small room with them to tell me (again) that I was not suited for RT, and that I would not be returning to that hospital. Of course, they all sided with Meredith, not knowing at all what was going on there, or asking any of the techs there about me. It was all up to the word of one dumpy post-menopausal *****, just as I had feared before even going. My fate is always in the hands of someone else. It doesn't matter what I say or do.

It's funny, because just before all that I was thinking about just how much I hated it there, and how much I hated Meredith, and how wrong it all felt. I knew I was not suited for that kind of work. I could not be like all the women working there. I felt extremely out of place and uncomfortable every day, but I pushed through and forced myself to do it day after day... It should not have ended that way, and I hate that I have wasted nearly two years of my life going to school and racking up more student loan debt for nothing-- but I am relieved more than anything.

My instructors kept telling me that I just needed to find what I was good at-- that I should try other programs there. For what? They're all the same. If I don't have the skills to be in RT, how is anything else any different? Basically it was, "why don't you just spend more time and more money taking more classes that will never benefit you in any way. We'll have such in such in this other program call you."

I don't know what to do now. I've been at home for a week doing nothing, just like I used to do. I'm not a student RT anymore. I'm not anything. All of my classmates have already removed me from their Facebooks and group texts and forgotten me. I won't be seeing them anymore. I won't be graduating in December. The prospect of ever having a real job now is long gone. I've gone back to being my wife's 32 year old child, and there have already been talks about me finding another job with Wal-Mart or equivalent-- something I swore I would never do again. The US Army has been calling me and leaving me messages and texts on my phone. I guess being cannon fodder for Trump's upcoming war with North Korea is the "right place" for me my instructors were referring to. They wouldn't be calling me if they knew what a basket case I was, or how out of shape I am, or how I can't even stand up straight no matter how hard I try.

I want to think this is it for me. I want to think I should kill myself now. I am truly a valueless person. There can be no doubt about that now. At the same time though, I still feel relieved. I feel relief that I no longer have to try and force myself into something that feels wrong to me. I feel lucky that I get to have this easy life as a house husband, and that maybe it was all just a mistake that I ever tried to be anything else. I think I will save suicide for the day I am forced to go back to Wal-Mart and can't find a way out of it. I don't think that will happen, though. I hear they're paying their employees starting at $11 an hour now, which to me is basically saying they aren't going to hire people like they used to-- being anyone, anytime. Not anymore.

Now comes the time where I apply for thousands of jobs and don't get a call from anyone, not even Wal-Mart this time. Now comes the time where I stare at this screen and contemplate my life as a broke, loveless, sexless house pet. I am getting old, and my body is starting to fail. My stomach is full of ulcers. My teeth are all broken and rotted. I will die on my own eventually.
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Galkaman wrote:
Kuwoobie will die crushed under the burden of his mediocrity.

#383 Feb 06 2018 at 11:16 AM Rating: Good
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Kuwoobie wrote:
The US Army has been calling me and leaving me messages and texts on my phone. I guess being cannon fodder for 's upcoming war with North Korea is the "right place" for me my instructors were referring to.
I mean, you could be a medical tech. Surprising as it may be, but we do get injured and need x-rays and such and seeing as how you said you kind of enjoyed doing that and were getting proficient with it it could be a pretty decent move. And having soldier on the resume does open doors. You'll have to go through basic training and AIT, which is a pain in the ass, but it's an option to consider.

68P, Radiology Specialist.

Edited, Feb 6th 2018 12:17pm by lolgaxe
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#384 Feb 07 2018 at 9:44 PM Rating: Excellent
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Tell them Lolgaxe sent you for 20% off your first order of fatigues and canteens.
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#385 Feb 19 2018 at 9:40 AM Rating: Good
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Three more recruits and I get a set of matching steak knives. Smiley: thumbsup
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George Carlin wrote:
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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